Warning Signs

After tucking the kids into bed the evening Beckham's bullying was revealed, Marna just sat in a chair and cried. So many questions were going through her mind. Why didn't I know? How could I not know? How could I have failed my own child? Have I failed as a mother? Is Beckham okay? What about my other children?  Will Beckham be okay? What do we need to do to make sure he's okay? Will I ever see my happy, confident, little boy that always had a smile on his face, and a little giggle in his voice again?  The more she thought about how he was counting the days, the harder she cried. She started thinking about how scared and lonely he must have been. The more she thought about it, the more surreal everything became. She remembers thinking, "a year and a half? Really? I wonder if he meant almost a year; six and a half months. Really, a whole year and a half? That means he would have been in the 1st grade." She started asking herself; what day did it begin? Was he sad? Where was it?  Did it leave a mark? Did I notice any marks? Was I too busy with something else or one of the other kids to notice? Did I see it and forget to ask him about it? So many questions were flowing through her mind.  And then she remembered an email she sent his 1st grade teacher about a year and six and a half months ago. 

The email correspondence is below; it is in reverse order.

Date: October 14, 2011, 8:35:34 AM MDT

Subject: Re: Beckham

No problem.......we will make it all better......congrats on the baby.......sorry about the stones :(

Marna 10/13/11 9:44 PM >>>

Beckham is so upset and doesn't want to go to School tomorrow because I totally misunderstood him. I told him he'd be okay. I should have asked more questions I feel so bad. I told him you wouldn't be mad at him. He's so upset so if he doesn't act like himself that's why.


Marna


On Oct 13, 2011, at 6:11 PM, " Laurie Hale "  wrote:

Weird.....he didn't say anything to me.  Tyson had a problem with 3rd grader today but I didn't hear about this one.  I will investigate tomorrow.  There is also pink eye going around the school.

Marna 10/13/11 3:42 PM >>>

Mrs. Hale,

I picked Beckham up today and noticed something was wrong with his eye. I asked him about it and he said he had a bad day at school. A kid named Tyson punched him in the eye and kicked his friend in the eye. I just want to make sure everything is okay at school with Beckham and to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Marna

After Marna found the email she sent to Beckham's first grade teacher, she was in shock and couldn't believe it. She couldn't sleep, she tossed and turned and cried all night. She was sick to her stomach. What more could she have done? What else did she miss? How many times had this happened? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he tell his teacher or another adult? She felt so helpless; she couldn't even imagine the pain he'd been feeling and going through for so long. She gets physically sick every time she thinks about how much he was aching and hurting in the inside that pulling out his hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes made him feel better. She kept imagining a little boy in a dark room, his face damp from tears. He's crying, pounding, screaming, wanting out. Adults are around, yet no one can hear him. Why? Why didn't she hear him?, Why didn't someone hear him? Why did it take so long? Had he given up? Did he think no one was listening? Did he think he deserved it? There must have been signs. 

His parents noticed that Beckham would cry at the drop of a hat. He would cry if he couldn't go to his best friends house. He would cry if he didn't think something was fair or if he couldn't play a certain game or watch a certain show. He would cry over any and everything. He wanted to play video games all the time. He wanted to be in charge and have the final say. He would over exaggerate when he got hurt at home. He had very little patience with his siblings. There were times when he would hit, trip, or just be mean and hurt his siblings on purpose. He would say mean things to them. His parents constantly told him to be nice. He didn't want to do anything extra and he complained a lot. There were times when he just wanted to be by himself and Marna would find him in his room, just laying on his bed. If there was an argument or a fight, it was always someone else's fault; he'd say, "I did nothing" or "Well, they touched me first". He made it seem as if everyone was picking on him and they deserved what they got and he didn't like to say sorry.   

Right after the hair pulling started, Marna remembers sitting down with Beckham and asking him if he was okay. She asked him if he was sad, if he liked school, if anyone was being mean to him, if anyone was doing anything that made him feel sad. He said that sometimes his sister and her friends were mean. They'd say mean things and they knocked the popcorn out of his hands one time. 

After hearing that, Marna immediately called his sister down and together they talked to her. They told her when someone feels sad, because of someone else's action, it's not okay. She started crying and told Beckham she was sorry. Beckham told her in a very stern voice, "It's never okay to be mean to someone and make them feel sad. Do you understand? It's not okay and it's to never happen again." I remember thinking, "wow.... that must have really bothered him to have said that." Marna told his sister it's NEVER to happen again and if it ever did, she'd have to report her and her friends, because it was on school grounds. She also told her that she needs to be nice and stick up for each other. Beckham's little sister agreed and said it would never happen again. She said, "mom, sometimes my friends say if I'm not mean to him, then they won't be my friend anymore." Marna said, "tough, then find new friends. A true friend would not want you to be mean to your brother." She said, "okay, I promise it won't happen again" and it hasn't since. However, there have been a few times where Marna has picked her up from school and she was sad or brought to tears, because her friends wanted her to be mean to Beckham and she wouldn't. Marna told her she was proud of her. It's unbelievable how many kids say mean things to other kids. Marna and Ryan have tried very hard to raise their kids not to be mean kids. They understand "kids will be kids", but where are the limits? 

Ryan and Marna tried using essential oils, positive affirmations, they took him to the doctor, talked to his teacher, principal, you name it in efforts to help remedy whatever was bothering Beckham. 

Marna remembered back to Valentines Day and how Beckham absolutely did not want to give "Joe" a valentine. She told him he had to and that he needed to be nice. He then told her how "Joe" wasn't nice and how he was always mean to other kids. He tried all night to convince Marna not to make him give "Joe" a valentine. She said he had to give him one anyway and so he did. Beckham made sure that the valentine didn't say anything more then what it had to and that the candy included was a flavor Beckham didn't like; which was fine with Marna. Just because Beckham didn't like it, didn't mean that "Joe" wouldn't like it. It could have been Joe's favorite, who knows? 

The morning after they found out Beckham was being bullied, Marna asked him why he never told his teacher what was going on. He said, "mom, I did, I told her everyday."